- Upon noticing your dog running at you with a face full of quills, shout: “Oh, sh*t..!” and hang up the phone on your wife, who is doing the grocery shopping in town 40 minutes away.
- Grab dog before it uses its paws to push the quills in deeper.
- While holding dog and taking a photo in one hand, Google “How to Remove Porcupine Quills” with the other.
- Following instructions found on eHow, speak to dog in soothing tones and attempt to remove quills with tweezers.
- Conclude that Google is a poor excuse for a veterinarian. Wait for wife to arrive home.
- Proceed to Option 2.
- Drive to veterinarian. Allow veterinarian to administer sedative and remove quills.
- After paying $120, return home with sedated dog.
- Pour a stiff drink.
To read more posts like these, see “How to Remove Your Dog From a Well” and “How to Prevent Your Dog’s Head From Blowing Up as a Result of an Unidentified Insect Bite.”