At some point you stop asking why. What we have done differently—or more or less or better—eventually becomes unimportant. It IS. It just is.
A friend who knows that we’ve been raw foodists for 4 years asked me:
“What was going on in your lives two years ago at this time? Studies have shown that cancer can be traced back to stress from 2 years before the diagnosis.”
Two years ago, TODAY, we were doing this:
I watched this video last night and when I saw Helena’s face in that last frame, my heart sank.
On February 23, 2010 my stress level was at its peak, and 24 hours later I went on permanent chill. Helena, on the other hand, took on all of the responsibilities of setting up our life in Brazil. Buying a car, negotiating the price for the farm, sorting out titles and deeds, setting up bank accounts, hiring staff, paying the bills…all of it.
Sometimes I’d look at her and say,
“Amor, come away from the computer. Let’s go for a walk. Let’s take a break! You can’t go on like this…you’re going to get sick.”
Would we take it back? Can we place blame on stress, childhood illness, environmental toxins, or perhaps a difficult decision of the soul?
It is. It just IS.
We ask, we listen for messages, we learn everything we can.
We look for the gifts.
And we go on.
“It seems to me that almost all our sadnesses are moments of tension, which we feel as paralysis because we no longer hear our astonished emotions living. Because we are alone with the unfamiliar presence that has entered us; because everything we trust and are used to is for a moment taken away from us; because we stand in the midst of a transition where we cannot remain standing.
That is why the sadness passes: the new presence inside us, the presence that has been added, has entered our heart, has gone into its innermost chamber and is no longer even there — is already in our bloodstream. And we don’t know what it was.
We could easily be made to believe that nothing happened, and yet we have changed, as a house that a guest has entered changes. We can’t say who has come, perhaps we will never know, but many signs indicate that the future enters us in this way in order to be transformed in us, long before it happens. And that is why it is so important to be solitary and attentive when one is sad: because the seemingly uneventful and motionless moment when our future steps into us is so much closer to life than that other loud and accidental point of time when it happens to us as if from outside.
The quieter we are, the more patient and open we are in our sadnesses, the more deeply and serenely the new presence can enter us, and the more we can make it our own, the more it becomes our fate.”
— Rainer Maria Rilke
Just this morning I was thinking of this video of you and Helena getting ready to move and all that it took…..there are times in our everyday lives when we’re overwhelmed and our partners help us through. Then there are times when “overwhelmed” is a joke and all bets are off and, as you say, all you can do is be where you are, together. All of which is to say I’m sending you and Helena lots and lots of love….(and as an aside….David and I are eating a lot more plants! Of course, every time I try to get Elliot to eat a vegetable he says, “No. I’m NOT a vegetarian!”)
SO GOOD to hear from you, Ruby. We feel your love and we miss you, too!
Feed Elliot green smoothies blended with grapes (purple) and turn them into popsicles. No broccoli!
…but can you imagine the last two years having been any other way… I will never forget the story of you drawing the farm on a scrap paper on the airplane. THIS is where you are both meant to be – nothing in life is guaranteed, but without taking huge risks we miss out on all the living that takes place in the swirl of that insanity. I hope you can dig really deep and find a pocket of peace in your choice to move there and be in that place, that magical, spectacular place where Helena has been able to have access to fresh foods and a tranquil surrounding – where your hearts were always meant to be. It must be terribly difficult to watch this video…. It just is…
I think of that scrap paper all the time, Susan. You know what it told me the other day? “You were bringing her home.”
I got confirmation this morning when her eyes lit up and she said, “I just heard a sound outside that reminded me EXACTLY of my childhood!”
What better place to heal?
xoxo
This is just my 2 cents worth, but I reckon if you weren’t living in Brazil and were still living your old stressful lives you wouldn’t have the mental/emotional space to go on this journey that you are. You wouldn’t have access to all the amazing fresh, organic food, sunshine and all that you have that is healing in Brazil. Once Helena is 100% healthy again, I know you are going to see how amazingly far you have both come and how much you have grown and stretched.. And that is only possible by the space and lifestyle having been made available by your own actions and by the universe showing you the way.
You are SO RIGHT, Koryn! We think that all the time. We can pick and juice our own food, we can swim in a waterfall down the street when we’re stressed, and we have help from angels near and far. We could only be right here, right now.
Thank you for reaffirming this!
When I was diagnosed with cancer 10 years ago, friends asked “Why you?” My answer, “Why not me?” One in 9 women gets breast cancer. But now I know why. Because IT IS MY JOURNEY. Everyone has a journey. The key is to use the journey in a positive way to help others who may be on the same path.
Just look at what you are doing. You are documenting everything. You are setting the most powerful and compelling example of an incredible choice. You have no idea who you are touching with your blogs but I promise, you are. Someone else needs your words, your heart, your love and you are generously sharing all of it. You are making a blessing out of a disaster. THAT is the secret of life.
Big Hug to you both,
SEA
I LOVE this answer, Sue Ellen. Why NOT you? And why not us?
We are learning so much. Thank you for your encouragement–documenting everything makes me stay focused. It makes it more real, but it makes me feel like I’m doing something. Some days I really need that. I know you understand.
Obrigada, amiga.
I agree with everyone else’s comments above and would also add how healthy it is to NOT try to find blame, because ultimately that would just be a negative expression towards your own past decisions. As you and others have said we can never know what would have been different had we made different decisions. Each one of us strives to make the best choices possible given the information at hand. And as others have said I have no doubt you two have made all the best choices possible, most especially in these last two years!
I have every confidence that you and Helena can beat this!
Love and hugs!
Thank you for continuing to cheer for us, Debbie! Love you!
We are sending both of you lots and lots of positive energy from Philly. Courage!
Thank you, Hanna!
I have to chime in to say how much your stories have affected me personally, and no doubt many of your readers.
Perhaps part of your journey is to share your story to influence and thereby help and reduce the suffering for others.
Because that’s certainly what you’re doing.
Oh wow…that feels so good to read. I said to Helena this morning (as we were swimming in the waterfall!): “You know, whatever it is that brought us here, I’m so grateful that this is our experience. Every bit of it.”
Thanks so much for your comment…this made my day.
Delighted to have made your day
Yeah, you gotta love living in the places we do. No matter how big our problems may seem, all you have to do is look at the beauty, take in the healing environment and say, “Yeah, we have a really good life.”
The thing I noticed the most about the above video was your environment – the lights, noise, sharp edges of everything. 10 years in the city had me burned out too. Some people thrive in city settings, others, not so much!